Bedtime when a parent is away for work

Tell them early, in plain words

Pick a calm moment, a weekend morning or a walk to the store, and not the night before you leave. Give the dates in something a young child can hold: four sleeps, or until Saturday. Say where you're going and, more importantly, who will be there at bedtime. Keep it to a couple of minutes and let them ask whatever they want to ask. Some children want the whole itinerary. Most want to know who is doing the story.

Young children take news in pieces, so say it again a few days later, casually, over lunch. If your child asks the same question every time, answer it the same way every time. That repetition is how it starts to feel real. If they shrug and go back to their trucks, that is fine too. Don't fill the silence with your own worry.

Skip the long explanation of why the trip matters. "I'll miss you, and I'll call you after your bath every night" lands better than a speech. Give them a small job if they like jobs: helping you pack, choosing which case you take, or looking after something of yours while you're gone. A job gives a child something to do with the missing.

One goodnight call, at a time they can predict

Agree on a time with the adult who will be at home, then anchor the call to a routine event rather than a clock: after the bath, before the story. A child who cannot tell time can still understand that the phone rings at bath time. Keep the call to three or four minutes and keep the shape the same each night. Hello, one thing about your day, one thing about theirs, goodnight.

End the call yourself, warmly and without dragging it out. Then the adult at home takes the phone back and finishes the routine, the story and the light. That way the call isn't the ending of the evening. The routine is, and the routine is what helps a child settle.

If time zones mean you cannot do bedtime at all, pick another fixed moment: breakfast, or the walk to school. Call it the goodnight call anyway. What matters is that it is regular and short, not that it happens in the dark. A call that moves around each night is harder for a child to predict, and harder to recover from.

If the call consistently ends in tears, that is information, not failure. Try moving it earlier, before the bath, and shortening it. More on that below.

A story in your voice, under the pillow

Record three or four short stories rather than one long one. Thirty to sixty seconds each is plenty, and you do not need to be good at it. Start with the child's name, read something simple, and add one small detail from your day so they know it is new. Save the recordings somewhere the adult at home can find in two seconds at seven in the evening, not in a folder nobody can locate.

Notes work well too. Fold a piece of paper for each night, write three or four words and draw something, and number the envelopes so your child knows which one is tonight. A child who cannot read still gets a drawing of the two of you, a heart, or a sticker. Leave something small on their shelf as well: your scarf, a stone from a walk, a key chain. Something they can pick up.

A calm story at the end of the day helps, whether it is one you recorded or one read by the adult at home. StoryChoose has free bedtime stories and can write personalised ones, which is a simple thing to leave ready for the nights you're gone. Our collection of bedtime stories for when you miss someone is a good place to start.

A countdown chart they can touch

Put a paper chart on the wall by the bed, with one box for each day you'll be away and a photo of you at the end of the row. Let your child cross off the boxes. It gives them something to do with the waiting instead of just feeling it.

Cross off in the morning rather than at bedtime. At night, a crossed-off day leaves a child lying in the dark counting what is left. In the morning it is a small win before breakfast, and the last box gets crossed off before you even arrive.

Skip rewards tied to the days. The chart is a calendar, not a prize draw, and a child who is already struggling does not need to feel they are failing at it. Keep it plain: boxes, a pen, your face at the end.

If the trip shifts, tell your child and change the chart the same day. Quietly leaving a wrong chart on the wall is worse than a conversation you would rather not have.

Keep the home routine dull on purpose

The nights you are away are not the time to redesign bedtime. Same order, roughly the same times, same last steps. The voice is different and the jokes are different, and that is fine. The shape stays.

Write the routine down for whoever is doing it, including a grandparent or a sitter. Six lines on a sticky note is enough: bath, pajamas, teeth, one story, lights out, door open. Someone stepping in for the first time will follow written steps more confidently than spoken ones.

Expect the first two nights to go surprisingly well, and the third or fourth to be harder. The novelty has worn off by then and the missing catches up. Knowing that ahead of time stops it feeling like something has gone wrong.

Small relaxations are fine. An extra story, a mattress on the floor, a night light left on. What undoes the routine is rebuilding it from scratch, not one soft evening. If the adult at home needs to sit in the hallway for twenty minutes, that is a reasonable trade for a week.

When the call makes things worse

Some children are fine all day and fall apart at the sound of your voice. It is common, and it is not a sign that the calls are a bad idea. Try moving the call earlier, before the bath, and keep it to two minutes. Some families do it on speaker while everyone is eating, which gives a child something to do with their hands.

If your child waves the phone away or refuses to talk, let it go. Try a recorded message instead, so they can play it when they choose. Being able to press play themselves gives a child a bit of control over a week that is mostly out of their hands.

The adult at home can help by not overselling the call. "You miss her. That is a big feeling. Let's do the story" is more useful than "it'll be fine, don't cry." Name it, then move to the next step of the routine.

For the parent away, these evenings are hard too. Keep them steady: eat something, call at the agreed time, and don't spend the night checking whether bedtime went well. Ask once in the morning.

The first bedtime back

Don't plan a big reunion at bedtime. If you can get home during the day, do, so the first hour back is not the last hour before sleep. Children often meet a returning parent with shyness or with anger, and both are normal. Don't take either personally and don't ask them to perform happiness.

Do the routine slowly and let your child lead more than usual. They may want to show you everything in the room, or they may want the other adult to do the story. Both are fine. The parent who has been home all week may still need to do the final tuck-in, and that is not a verdict on you.

Expect a few nights of testing. A child who has had a week of wondering whether you will come back will check. Answer plainly, without a lecture: "I'm here tonight. I'm here tomorrow night too." Then keep the routine exactly as it was.

One more thing. The adult who held the week together is probably tired. If you can take the next few bedtimes yourself, do, and send them out of the house for an hour. It is a good way to say thank you without a speech.