Hosting a sleepover: getting everyone to sleep

Agree the plan with the children before the night

The most useful thing you can do happens a day or two before anyone arrives: agree the plan out loud, with the children in the room, and write it on a card for the fridge. Many children find it easier to relax into a shared evening when they know what is coming, and a written plan gives you something neutral to point at later when the negotiating starts.

Cover the parts that cause the most discussion. Where everyone is sleeping, and whether that is one room or two. The lights-out time. Whether the door stays open. What happens if someone wants to ring home. What time pick-up is in the morning.

Keep the wording short. Something like: "We do teeth at half past eight, then one story, then lights out. If you need me in the night, come and get me. Nobody is in trouble for being awake." Then ask each child to tell the plan back in their own words. You will hear which bit they are quietly worried about, and that is usually the bit worth a second conversation.

Send the same plan to the other parents. They will want to know when to collect and whether their child can reach them. If a guest has never slept away from home before, mention it, so you can keep an eye on them without making it a thing in front of the others.

Build in a wind-down hour

The hour before lights out is where the evening either softens or unravels. Give it a shape, and expect to run it yourself rather than announce it and disappear. Here is one version you can shift to fit your family.

The first twenty minutes are for the last of the energy. Clear the tea things together, send everyone to brush teeth in pairs, put sleeping bags and pillows where they will actually sleep, carry the cups downstairs. A small physical job gives children something to do with the buzzing.

The next twenty are for washing and pyjamas, one at a time if the bathroom is small. Keep the big light off and use a lamp. Lower your own voice here, even if you feel like shouting. Many parents find that children match the volume of the room more than the words in it.

The last twenty are quiet on the beds. Not silent, quiet. A drawing pad, a torch pointed at the ceiling, a chat about the best part of the evening. This is the point to sit on the landing rather than get on with the washing up, because your presence nearby does a lot of the work for you.

It will not run to plan on the first sleepover, or the third. The point of the shape is that you always know what comes next, so you can say "teeth next" instead of "calm down".

A story or a quiet film, early in the evening

The shared bit of the evening works best early. A film at nine o'clock, when everyone is already tired, tends to end with children arguing about the ending and one of them in tears. Put it straight after tea, when it is still light outside and everyone has the energy to sit through it.

Choose something most of them have seen before. A familiar film is easier to half watch and talk over, and there is less to agree about. If the ages are mixed, a few short episodes work better than one long film, and you can stop at a natural point without a row.

A read-aloud story does the same job and needs less equipment. Two or three picture books, read on the floor with everyone in sleeping bags, gets a roomful of children into one place and one mood. For a first sleepover, bedtime stories about a first sleepover give everyone something to recognise in the room. Bedtime stories about friendship suit a group who do not know each other well.

If you want a story that fits the children in your house, StoryChoose has free bedtime stories and can write personalised ones, which is handy when one guest is nervous and would rather hear their own name in the tale.

A lights-out time, and a kind way to hold it

Pick the time in advance and say it out loud more than once during the evening, so it does not arrive as a surprise. When it comes, do the same short sequence: teeth done, one story, one song or one chapter, then the words you always use. "Goodnight. I am downstairs. See you in the morning."

Expect a burst of chatter the moment you leave. It is not a sign the plan failed. Give it a few minutes before you go back, and when you do, keep it boring. A quiet "shh, sleep time" from the doorway, then leave again. Long explanations at this point turn into a second, more interesting conversation.

Decide in advance what one thing each child is allowed after lights out: a last drink, one question, a torch for two minutes. Having a set answer is easier than judging each request on the night. "That was your one question. Night night."

If a child keeps coming out, walk them back with your hand on their shoulder and no lecture. If two of them will not stop talking, sit on the landing where they can see you. Your presence usually does more than your voice.

If it takes a long while, that is not unusual for a first sleepover. It may help to keep your own evening free rather than plan to watch something, so you are not resentful by ten o'clock.

Helping a homesick guest

Watch for the guest who goes quiet. A child who suddenly has nothing to say, asks what time it is, or follows you into the kitchen is often working out whether they can manage the night. Take them to one side rather than asking in front of everyone.

Name it plainly and without drama. "It is fine to miss home. Lots of people do on a sleepover. Do you want to ring your mum, or shall we try a bit longer first?" Offering the choice does more than reassurance, because it hands them some control.

Ring the parent early rather than saving the call as a last resort. A short call at the start of the evening is often easier than a tearful one later, and it tells the child that home is still there. Agree with the other parent beforehand that a call is fine and what time is too late.

Give the guest a job. Being in charge of the torch, handing out the biscuits, or choosing the story gives a nervous child a place in the room. Keep their bag by the door where they can see it, which sounds small but helps some children feel they can leave if they need to.

If they still want to go home, take them. A child collected at ten is not a failed sleepover, and they will often want to try again another time.

Keep it fun, and plan the morning

A sleepover is meant to be a treat, and some of that treat has to happen before lights out, or the whole evening becomes a countdown to bedtime. Allow the daftness early: the pillow fight before the winding down, the game that gets everyone laughing at seven o'clock rather than at ten.

Say yes to the small things. Yes to the guest sleeping closest to the door if that is what they need. Yes to one more chapter. No to anything that makes the room louder after lights out.

Think about the morning while you are still planning the evening. Young children wake early, often earlier than usual when there is company, and a house full of them at six needs a plan. Put cereal, bowls and cups where they can reach, agree what happens before breakfast, and set a pick-up time that gives everyone a clear end.

If you are hosting two nights, keep the second day quiet. The first night is often the exciting one and the second is where tiredness shows. Both are easier with a calm story at the end, even when the first night went well.