The Joking Loaf

Chapter 1: The Quiet Crumb

⟨Character 1⟩ shuts off every light except the oven’s orange glow, liking the tick of the timer and the hiss of the steam, and not liking the bell over the door that has stayed silent all day.

⟨Character 1⟩: The timer ticks and the steam hisses, and I like that better than the bell, which has been silent all day. A jar falls from the server box, the label says laughing yeast, and I do not remember buying it. It smells warm and nearly ticklish, so I add one pinch to tomorrow’s dough and go to bed.

Dough: Knock knock, Who’s there? Dough, Dough who, Dough-nut wake me until morning, because I rise with the sun and I fall with the dark. I am just a little loaf, but I have a joke for every hour. I will tell them all until this baker smiles.

⟨Character 1⟩: You are flour and water, not a comedian, so stop that giggling and rise quietly like a proper loaf. I am going to my cot now, and I will count flour sacks until I fall asleep, but if I hear one more knock knock, I will eat you for breakfast.

The bell stays silent until a round customer in a red scarf steps in.

⟨Character 1⟩: Everything is baked and there are no returns, so if you want bread, take it and go. The bell has been quiet all morning, and I would like to keep it that way, but you are already inside, so stand still and I will fetch you a loaf. Do not ask me how I am, because I am busy, and do not tell me about the weather.

Loaf: Knock knock, Who’s there? Dough, Dough who, Dough-nut open the door, it’s cold out here! I have been waiting all night for a customer, and I have a joke for every one of you. Rye not? I am fully baked and ready to make you laugh.

Customer: That is the funniest bread I have ever met! I must buy this loaf right now, and I will tell all my friends that your bakery is the best joke shop in town. It is so funny that my scarf is slipping off, and I do not even care.

⟨Character 1⟩: You are bread, you do not tell jokes, so stop confusing my customers and stop making them laugh. I am throwing this tea towel over you and shoving you into a paper bag, so take it, it talks too much. And do not say rye not again.

Loaf: Rye not? I have a whole batch of jokes, and I will tell them from inside the bag. Lettuce in, it’s too noisy out here, and I am not done yet.

Chapter 2: The Rye Not Bakery

A long line of customers curls out the door. ⟨Character 1⟩ stands behind the counter, flour on his nose.

⟨Character 1⟩: The bread is the same as yesterday. It just talks more, and now the whole town wants a joke with their loaf. I hate crowds.

Ms. Poppy: I hear your loaves perform. One rye, one wholemeal, and a joke on the side please. My name is Ms. Poppy, and I write about food.

Rye loaf: Why did the baguette go to the doctor? It felt crumby! That one always gets a laugh.

⟨Character 1⟩: Stop. You are embarrassing me. I am trying to stuff a napkin into this split crust to keep you quiet.

Rye loaf: Rye not? I am fully baked and I love making people smile.

Ms. Poppy: The bread did the review itself. Here is a five-star slip. I only wrote it down. I will tell everyone about this bakery.

⟨Character 1⟩: I did not ask for a review. You are a bad influence, and now I will never get any sleep.

Ms. Poppy: The bread did. Goodbye, baker.

Ms. Poppy leaves. ⟨Character 1⟩ yanks open the oven door. A fresh batch erupts with a new joke, and the customers roar.

⟨Character 1⟩: I need earplugs. And a long nap.

The crowd thins. A shy child in a blue coat slips in behind the last customer. ⟨Character 1⟩ notices but says nothing, wiping the counter with a rag. The child points to a small round roll with a dimple.

Child: Are you funny? I like jokes, but only quiet ones.

Roll: I can be. What does bread say before bed? Loaf you later. I will be gentle.

The child giggles and holds the roll like a treasure. ⟨Character 1⟩ watches, then walks to the back, opens his old laptop, and builds a simple website.

⟨Character 1⟩: That roll is free. Tell them the jokes live online too. I built RyeNotJokes.com. Today’s joke from the bread, free with every loaf.

The child smiles and runs out. ⟨Character 1⟩ leans on the counter and looks at the shelf.

⟨Character 1⟩: Fine. You do the talking. I bake. That is the new rule.

Roll: Rye not? We will make everyone laugh, even you.

Chapter 3: The Goodnight Loaf

⟨Character 1⟩ mixes a new batch with a drop of lavender honey and a pinch of the laughing yeast. He shapes four small loaves and slides them into the oven. When he opens the door, they come out golden and warm. He arranges them in the window and places a small sign: Goodnight Loaves. A tired nurse in blue scrubs steps in and points to the sign.

Loaf: What does a sleepy loaf dream about? A butter life. I think that is my favorite joke, because it is soft and warm like the oven. I will only whisper sleepy jokes from now on, because the baker asked nicely, and I want to help everyone rest. I have been saving that one all day.

⟨Character 1⟩: That is a good one, little loaf. You can stay in the window and make people smile, but no more loud jokes after dark. I will tell the nurse that you only dream out loud, and maybe I do not need earplugs after all, just a pillow and a blanket. And I like that idea.

Nurse: I need a loaf that won’t wake my own jokes, because I have to work all night at the hospital and I am very tired. This Goodnight Loaf sounds perfect, and I promise I will take good care of it and keep it on my break-room table. It will be my only joke for the night.

⟨Character 1⟩: This one only dreams out loud. Take the warmest loaf, and I hope it gives you a soft night with no beeping machines. Maybe I need a nap too, because all this laughter has made me sleepy, and I have not slept well in years. Now go, before the bread gets cold.

The last customer, the shy child, carries a Goodnight Loaf home in two hands. ⟨Character 1⟩ locks the door, wipes the counter, and turns off the big oven. He sits in his wooden chair by the cooling rack, still wearing his floury apron. The oven light casts a warm glow over the dark shop.

Loaf: Knock knock. Who’s there? Dough. Dough who? Dough-nut wake me until morning. I have one more joke for you, and then I will be quiet all night, because even a funny loaf needs to rest. Goodnight, ⟨Character 1⟩, and thank you for baking me. Sleep well.

⟨Character 1⟩: That is a good one. I think I can finally get some sleep now, because the oven light glows like a small moon and the bell over the door is silent. I will close my eyes right here in this chair, and I hope I dream of butter and honey. Goodnight, little loaf.